When the eating disorder is all you can hear

When the eating disorder is all you can hear

I have suffered from an eating disorder (ED) for 18 years, and I don’t know how to break free … I would like you to share strategies for those times when my ED is the only thing I can hear.  – M.
I want to reach through the email box, take ‘M’ by the hand and assure her that life does not need to be a roller coaster,  feeling in and out of control. It’s terrifying letting go of the ED, but we must let it go to be free – and we can’t do this alone. We need to place our trust in at least one recovery guide and let them make decisions for us until our body is fully restored. When our brain is fully renourished, we find the ups and downs dissipate, and we discover we can focus on the joys of really living OUR  life.
Memories of those dark places and feelings of helplessness and self-loathing are with me forever. But I got out into the light, and you can too.
The first strategy is NEVER GIVE UP.

Two strategies were vital in my recovery (inner healing is ongoing):
* Keeping a diary or journal
* Learning to trust my treatment team’s guidance more than ED’s persistent voice in my head.

Firstly, why keep a diary?

Diary writing requires us to observe, pause, and reflect. When the eating disorder voice is screaming in our mind, taking to our diary and letting our fuddled thoughts pour onto the page can be immensely helpful in slowing and even silencing the torment.

Diary-writing or journaling is a genuine dialogue with oneself. If we are feeling uncertain, anxious or depressed, our thoughts and feelings might go around in circles. By sharing parts of our diary with our trusted recovery guide or mentor, they can help us work out which thoughts belong to our eating disorder and which belong to our healthy self. They can help us see which thoughts are irrational (ED’s voice) and rational (our healthy self-voice). The diary can help us develop healthy self-thoughts, strengthen them, and regain our true identity.

Diary writing helps us become more self-aware. My diary slowly evolved from short daily observations as a 12-year-old to an intimate, free-flowing conversation with myself 60 years later. Along the way, it moved from serving as a survival tool and a coping tool for my eating disorder to a method for rebuilding, strengthening, and liberating my healthy self.

Besides communicating with oneself, private writing can help us communicate with others. My long-term psychiatrist encouraged me to write about my feelings as I could express myself more easily in writing than in speaking. Perhaps you feel the same way? Reviewing and drawing on our diary entries, privately or with trusted others, can also lead to epiphanies and gems of fresh self-understanding

Secondly, be brave and trust your treatment team

Secondly, you can choose your support team: one person or as many people as you like. This is where the bravery comes in – getting brave enough to trust the recovery guides when the eating disorder is the only voice that can be heard. Because they have our best interests at heart, the recovery guides know what is best for us. This is vital to remember: our recovery guide is interested in what is best for us – not what is best for the ED. My recovery guides included:
_Psychiatrist (he saved my life by building a bridge of trust, encouraging me to write to help find ‘my voice’, to the point where I was brave enough to trust him more than the embedded ED voice and over 30 years, set myself free)
_Minister of religion (he helped me to hold onto faith, hope and trust)
_General practitioner (GP) (she monitored my clinical symptoms and always encouraged me to keep trying)
_Eating disorder therapist and dietician (her best advice was, “Focus on your feelings, and the food will take care of itself”;  and her encouragement to use externalisation in recognising which thoughts and feelings belonged to me and which belonged to ED.
_My four children and their dad (they didn’t understand my illness but loved me anyway)
_Best friends (they didn’t understand my illness either but always accepted and encouraged me)
_Two cats and one dog (always available for a hug and full of love)

Quite a team!  Today,  a peer support worker or lived experience mentor might also be integral to a recovery team.

Years passed while I struggled to gain enough courage to trust my recovery team. They were patient. They did not give up on me. When I wanted to give up, they reminded me that this was not an option. They stuck by and believed in me when ED was so loud I could not listen to or believe in myself. I am so glad they did.

Gradually, I reached the stage where I could trust myself and resist the loud voice of ED. By learning to trust others and myself, the voice of ED gradually faded, and the illness lost its power to isolate and dominate me every day.

Strategies for maintaining recovery and exploring life without ED

Without fail, eat three meals and three snacks daily. Food is medicine. No calorie counting, and no weighing of myself or foods.
Employment or volunteer work can provide a sense of purpose and self-worth at a time when nothing else does.
_ Be candid with understanding family members and friends, as they provide ongoing support.
Keep a journal and list daily accomplishments like planting seedlings, baking a cake and phoning a friend.
_ When anxious, I divide the day into quarters. I make it to 10:30am and record my feelings in my diary, again at 1pm, and so on. I record the positives. I draw big smiles to add encouragement.
Pets are loyal and trusting friends. Cats and dogs are always ready for a hug.
_ Repeat affirmations, such as ‘Action beats anxiety’ and ‘I deserve to be treated with respect’, at times of stress.
Take up a hobby to help live in the moment. I chose needlepoint and tapestry.
_ Accept that prescription drugs, while causing side effects, are at times essential.
Separate self from illness. This self-awareness tool helps to recognise and avoid people and situations that feed the illness. Practise this strategy at all times.
_ Imagery is helpful. I picture a raw egg, with the yolk representing my soul and the white the world around me. No matter what happens in the white, I strive to protect my yolk. It is my haven. Don’t let it scramble.
Be my own best friend. Would I want to bruise, starve, or make my best friend run 10 miles because she ate dessert? No, no, no!
_ Ask: does this thought belong with my illness or with me? If it belongs to the illness, hit the delete button fast.
When feeling vulnerable and confused, allow trusted others to provide a lifeline to safety.
_ Attend to feelings quickly to diminish food as an issue.
Daily walks. Embracing the beauty of nature is food for the soul.
– Test boundaries — facing a stressful situation or fear achieves personal growth.
Participate in safe, supportive social groups to connect and strengthen oneself. Connect with at least one person other than yourself every day.
_ Acknowledge the right to be born and to live; feel empowered by this. Life is a gift.
Acknowledge the right to happiness. Embrace every moment; choose fulfilment, pleasure and fun!
_ Acknowledge the right to be treated with respect. Avoid disrespectful people.
Remember that ‘action beats anxiety’ every time. Anxiety can feed ED, so act quickly – writing feelings in my diary so I can ‘see’ them more clearly, and if need be, share them with someone on my recovery team.
_ Focus on being true to yourself; everything else will work out. Beautifully.

• This post is drawn, in part, from my memoir, A Girl Called Tim.
  Share your favourite strategies. Together, we can help each other drown out that voice of ‘ED’.