Don’t settle for a part-life with an eating disorder

Don’t settle for a part-life with an eating disorder

Living a part-life with an eating disorder (ED) is like spending half your life in prison – without committing a crime.

The picture that accompanies this story was taken the day my daughter celebrated her 21st birthday. I was 46 years old and an inpatient at a private mental health clinic. My psychiatrist gave me four hours’ leave to attend my daughter’s party.

I’d been an inpatient for more than a month and was unable to assist with the party arrangements. This upset me greatly, but my daughter, who had grown up with a ‘mother with an eating disorder, chronic depression and anxiety’, was very understanding – all she wanted for her birthday was for ‘Mum to be happy’.

A prisoner inside myself

Thirty-five years had passed since I developed anorexia. I had been receiving treatment for 14 years and had made some progress on the road to recovery. I was a mother, had a full-time professional career, and owned my home and a car.

Some people, including my family and the family lawyer handling the divorce from my childhood sweetheart (ED had a real win there), couldn’t see or understand why I had a problem. They said I had everything I needed. Their words exacerbated my feelings of inadequacy because I didn’t have everything I needed. I didn’t have ‘me’; I was a prisoner inside myself.

My mind had a long way to go in healing from the ravages of anorexia, which had morphed into bulimia and see-sawed between the two. My eating pattern was chaotic, and my moods and relationships were equally so. Outwardly, I was functioning; inwardly, I was a slave to ED.

Gradually, I loosened ED’s grip on my thoughts and behaviours

I’m glad I did not give up the fight to restore my healthy self because nine years later, at age 55, I was free to live a full life. People ask, “How did you get there?”  My answer is, “Bit by bit.”

Rebuilding my healthy self was like building one of those lovely, solid stone walls that you see in the English countryside. I had the image that I needed to build a sturdy wall like that in my soul, to protect it not from the elements but from ED and associated outwardly triggers. Sometimes, the rocks would slip, ED would pierce my soul afresh, and I would fall, but eventually, the wall was built, providing a haven, a safe and secure place, for my true identity.

Gradually, ever so gradually, I loosened ED’s grip on my thoughts and behaviours. Scary but ever so rewarding. The keystone? Three meals and three snacks a day. This crucial element in overcoming ED was something that most people take for granted and don’t need to think about, yet it took me 44 years to master.

‘My mind plays tricks on me…’

I was reminded of this epic journey when a young woman wrote to explain she had been battling anorexia and bulimia for 23 years.  She wrote:

It’s too long, and I am hoping this is the last time I go through the recovery process. I am a wife, mother, artist, and teacher, and I just want to live life. I am really struggling right now with weight gain, and I wanted to know if you have any advice for dealing with the body changes and gaining weight.

It’s very hard for me not to look underweight, which seems so bizarre. My mind plays tricks on me and makes everything seem way bigger than it is. I feel like people notice the changes, and it’s so hard for me to get dressed and go to work.  … Your profile picture makes me smile, seeing you successful and thriving.

Three meals and three snacks

Thousands of times I wrote in my diary, “This is the last time I need to go through this.” “This time, I will get there, I will.”  I said this countless times and repeated it fastidiously and determinedly in my mind as well as in my diary, willing myself to believe, “This time, I really, really can do it.” Do what? Eat three meals and three snacks a day without feeling guilty. Sounds easy, and today, my meals and snacks are always a pleasure, but in the eating disorder’s grip, every meal and snack was laced with fear and guilt.

I’m glad I did not give up! Whether you have an eating disorder or you are a carer for a loved one who has an eating disorder – hang in there! Persist, persevere, hold on to hope. Don’t let ED trick you or your loved one into settling for a part-life. You deserve the richness of the full cherry of life – refuse to let ED rob you of a bite.

Body changes and weight are scary, I know. But tell yourself those things are not important (ED debilitates us by having us think otherwise). Once you start eating three wholesome meals and three snacks a day, every day – amazing things happen. For me, decades of anxiety and depression abated so much that I no longer required medication. I no longer was fixated on the obsession of eating a certain number of calories and weighing a certain weight to ‘look good’, ‘feel good’, ‘cope with work and relationships’, to ‘cope with me’.

Recovery of self was not a smooth road; there were twists and turns, bogs and quicksands, but I got there. As I let ED’s habits go, my soul began to hum and sing—from chaos and darkness to peace and light. Storm clouds abated, and the sky cleared to a beautiful bright blue, revealing the warmth of the sun and the chirps of the birds. I felt wondrous—and still do—like a kid being taken to the park to play with the freedom to enjoy being me.

Beauty is within

Every person I know who has an eating disorder has a beautiful nature. Our nature is within. Let it shine. This is what people really see. Our weight is a “nothing.” It is one of ED’s weapons that keeps us prisoners. If you have scales in your home, toss them out. Your beauty within is your true worth and value. Let it shine for all to see.

Place your trust in a care or recovery mentor who understands the importance of three meals and three snacks a day. Those body image and weight problems, that urge to punish yourself with exercise, will fade away, you’ll see, and everything will become manageable as you exalt in the pleasure of thriving, of being free.
For more about my story, see A Girl Called Tim.