No room for secrets in eating disorder recovery

No room for secrets in eating disorder recovery

An eating disorder doesn’t care if our hip shatters

There is a good medical reason for the therapist to say, “No gym.” I don’t want osteoporosis, and I’m sure you don’t, either. But that nasty eating disorder does not care two hoots if we are falling over and breaking our hip bones before we are 80. It’s not a nice way for those who love to exercise to end up. The eating disorder does not care if we wait until our partner is out of the house before we go to the gym so that they won’t know we are harming ourselves (see what I mean by our eating disorder having a free run – nibbling holes in our sense of self and our trusted relationships with others).

An eating disorder does not understand the word, ‘moderation’

Moderation is the key, but an eating disorder does not know that word. All it knows is “extreme” – whatever exercise we managed to do yesterday is not enough today. We must do more, more, MORE. Or we will feel terribly guilty, right? And punish ourselves with MORE exercise. This is why the grandmother’s therapist has said, “no gym for two years”. I’m sure she also meant “no gym until you have achieved recovery”. (And don’t let your eating disorder kid yourself that you are recovered when you know you are not).

We need to be like Ginger Cat, an extrovert who loves the outdoors but also knows how to pace himself. No eating disorder is bothering Ginger. He knows when to take life easy. He is totally at home with himself, even though he has moved house with me at least 12 times in the past 12 years. Ginger knows exactly how to keep anxiety at bay. No stress balls or curve balls for him. Unlike me, I know what it is like to have a will greater than my own, bossing me around and causing me to deceive myself and others. It is horrid.

We may temporarily tell ourselves that we feel better, our anxiety is appeased, and we can manage this thing that talks so persuasively in our minds, no matter what our loved ones and our therapists are telling us. No, we can’t. We must have help.

“Part” recovery doesn’t work with an eating disorder

There is no part way with an eating disorder. We cannot have a day of rest from being on alert to its tricky ways until we have recovered.  I had to learn to recognise the thoughts that belonged to my eating disorder and, in particular, to recognise those thoughts that wanted to hurt me. I had to learn to grab those thoughts and hit the delete button before they ran away with me. I learnt to accept the guidance of others until I gained the courage to love and care for myself as I would my best friend. Honesty at all times was crucial and remains so.

Therefore, if we go to the gym after our husband or partner has gone to work, we somehow need to get the courage to tell him and tell him quickly. We need to tell him quickly before our illness drives us to go to the gym again and again. Because we know how quickly one little slip can become a landslide.

Recovery is being honest with ourselves and others

Recovery is one step at a time. It is as much about being honest and truthful with ourselves and our recovery guides as eating three meals and three snacks daily. Recovery is when we recognise the impulse or thought that wants us to defy everyone who cares about us and go to the gym; recovery is when we defuse that trigger before it goes off.

Would we be happy if our husband or partner was doing something bad for their health and doing it behind our backs? No, we would not be happy! One step at a time. That’s all it takes—one small step at a time. If the eating disorder does get the better of us every now and then, no sweat, don’t beat ourselves up, forgive ourselves, and get back on track, one step at a time. And we find that gradually, our steps become easier and lighter and faster; there are fewer slips, and eventually, we are running, soaring. We are at home with ourselves.

Be brave and share – and deleting those trigger thoughts will get easier

Holiday time is a difficult time for people with eating disorders. I encourage you to reach out to those you know you can trust and always share. With practice, you will manage to reach out before the illness trigger goes off; sometimes, it may catch you unawares, and when this happens and you realise what has happened, don’t berate yourself. Be brave and share, and it will be easier next time. Loved ones, too, can help by being extra understanding and supportive during these times. Be transparent, like an open book. You will find those curve balls will dissipate, evaporate, and you will be free to be beautiful you.