Goodbye calories! Hello, energy!
'Calorie' is a word laden with myriad connotations imposed by diet culture
Goodbye calories! Hello, energy!
Calorie is a word laden with a myriad of connotations imposed by diet culture, a word that can be so insidious that I’ve hesitated to write about it. From the impressionable age of 11, I became aware of my body in a new, mysterious way. In tandem with entering that confusing and volatile time called puberty,I was convinced something was wrong with my body.
I couldn’t define what was wrong, so I settled on it being too big. A boy I didn’t even know made this observation, and his words became anchored in my brain for decades. I don’t know if he was talking about me, but his words stuck and remain lurking in remote corners of my mind. The saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” is not true. It never has been true. I would venture to say everyone can attest to that; all lives have been touched by careless or hurtful words that might remain and inflict pain for years.
Early influences and red flags
I started my fervent relationship with the word calorie when I was 12 or 13; this was when I embarked on my first weight-loss diet. I want to stress that this was my idea, not my parents. I didn’t know what a calorie was—I only knew it was better to consume less of them. I was much older when I learnt that a calorie is the measure of energy the body needs to metabolise food* That seems a simple definition. However, it’s quite complex, like our miraculous bodies know how to care for us if only we let them.
Several women for whom I babysat in my teens were trying to lose weight by various methods and eagerly shared the details with me. I felt I was being invited into an exclusive club, which made the information they shared much more powerful. I also had access to the women’s magazines while I babysat (after the children were in bed for the night). Every issue contained a new miracle weight-loss diet.
Trying to lose weight becomes a ‘normal’ pastime
My young teenage self assumed that counting calories and trying to lose weight was a normal pastime for many women. My aunt, who died when I was 10 years old, had been trying constantly to lose weight, unlike my mother, who was always naturally slender. Now, I wonder if my aunt’s desire to shrink her body was because she had grown up comparing herself to her thinner older sister. They were born in 1922 and 1923, which indicates how far back in history diet culture is rooted.
‘Nutrition labels’ validate calorie counting
And so, for decades, calories in food and calories burned by exercise were constantly calculated in my head like a strictly detailed accountant’s ledger sheet. When grocery stores began stocking packaged foods with nutrition labels, listing the number of calories in food items and a breakdown of those calories into nutritional components, dieting felt more valid and scientific.
As a rule-follower with anorexia, those labels became my holy grail, my bible. When I learned the phrase calories in, calories out, this became the mantra by which I lived for decades.
Regimented calorie consumption equals penance
When in the throes of my eating disorder (ED), I thought of calories as a negative thing and tried to control how many and what types I consumed. I also turned the number of calories I could burn in a day into a penance for eating anything at all. The goal was to exist in a continual calorie deficit; the greater the deficit, the better. When going through a divorce kicked my ED into overdrive, I often told myself that I could feel the calories burning from the stress, which, at the time, I saw as a silver lining to my divorce—at least I’d emerge thinner! Now, I know I could have benefited more from energy obtained by eating adequate food rather than the lack of energy created by not eating.
Instead of caring, I was punishing me
My poor body needed me to take care of it during that difficult time, and I ignored and punished it instead—or more succinctly, that’s what the ED advised, and I agreed. ED told me that by controlling the calories, I could control my life. This was a dangerous, devious lie, but I believed it.
Changing my thinking: calories=energy that my body needs and deserves
This is why I am changing how I think of the word calorie. Rather than using it to judge the amounts or types of calories available in food or consumed in exercise, I now think of calories as energy—valuable energy—that my body needs and deserves. One phrase my ED therapist and dietician used is: All foods fit.
No food is judged, period. The overall goal is to try to eat (and hopefully enjoy) a variety of foods to nourish my body properly. So, with that in mind, I’m reframing my definition of calories.
Fact: Starving my body of energy starves my life
My body requires energy to function at its basic level: to maintain life. This is not an opinion but a fact. My body also needs energy to function optimally and live more robustly. I want the energy to laugh, play, work, and love. If I starve my body of energy, I’m starving my capacity to live a joyful, fulfilling life.
I remember the days when I constantly felt an intense, gnawing hunger that left me dizzy and diminished. I needed energy (aka calories) but felt deeply guilty after weakening and eating. Diet culture reinforced this concept, and praise from others, doctors included, fueled my obsession.
Let’s focus on energy, forget calories (and be our best self)
In recovery, I want to have the energy to connect with others and feel my best while doing so. This means no longer constantly updating the calories in, calories out ledger sheet in my brain.
These days, the only calculation is whether I’ve provided myself with enough energy to be my best self and respect this miracle that is my body. After all, I can’t live my life without it.
* Schwartz, J., PhD. (2018, September 6). How is the calorie value of food determined? McGill Office for Science and Society. Retrieved August 10, 2024, from https://mcgill.ca
I am an author who writes fiction as a way to make sense of things for myself and hopefully, my readers. Exploring complex, often painful issues to find meaning and hope is central to my motivation as a writer.
I live in Minnesota with my husband, where the long, cold winters provide ample time to write. My novels include A Charmed Life, Ahead of Time and most recently, A Battle for Hope, a novel about eating disorders. These books are available through Amazon and Barnes and Noble in both digital and print form.
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