When compliments are kryptonite

Well-intended body shape praise can feed an eating disorder

When compliments are kryptonite

When compliments are kryptonite

Kryptonite: something that can seriously weaken or harm a particular person or thing. *

Compliments are generally seen as a good thing. Everyone likes to be complimented on appearance, intelligence, and accomplishments, to name a few. A sincere compliment can brighten a day that might otherwise feel dark and gloomy. How could that not be a good thing?

Enter the dangerous landscape of eating disorders, where compliments can become kryptonite. I cannot think of anyone who has embarked on a journey of weight loss who wasn’t thrilled when someone noticed they looked thinner. The times when I lost enough for others to notice are etched in my brain. I remember where I was, what I was wearing, and who paid me compliments, even if more than 40 years ago.

Compliments became my kryptonite

Perhaps the most damaging aspect of receiving those compliments is how I felt in those moments: attractive, successful, righteous. I was thrilled that my hard work at restricting my food intake was noticeable and that someone had commented on it. Those compliments motivated me to stay the course and to lose more weight, which is when compliments became my kryptonite, although I didn’t realise this for decades.

For many years, brainwashed by diet culture, I assumed that complimenting someone on their weight loss was being supportive and encouraging. I did not know that such comments could be harmful. After all, I appreciated others noticing my shrinking body. When my weight loss success inspired others to do the same, I saw this as the highest form of flattery and was proud of the “good example” I was setting for others. The possibility that I may have contributed to the development of an eating disorder (ED) or disordered eating in others is one of my deepest regrets.

Two sides to compliments

The ways in which compliments become kryptonite are two-fold. The first occurred when people lavished praise on me after I lost weight. You see, a little part of me felt judged; I interpreted the praise for losing weight as meaning I must not have looked good before the weight loss.

Many people might feel this way, but for someone with an ED, the messaging reinforces in their mind that thin is better; thin makes them more worthy than they were before when nobody said anything. The ED immediately told me that if I didn’t maintain the weight loss or, better still, lose more, I’d lose the compliments and validation I was learning to crave. EDs love to prey on those who are people-pleasers, and external validation exacerbates the need to please everyone. In some ways, I became addicted to the compliments, aka kryptonite.

There came a time when several people in my life expressed concern that I was getting too thin. I didn’t believe them for the most part because no doctor had told me I was too thin. At the doctor’s office, I received praise and admiration for my “healthy” BMI. Following abdominal surgery, the surgeon said that the operation was “easier” because I was thin. Imagine the ED’s joy when it heard that! I was more determined than ever to maintain that body size. If I didn’t, I’d feel I’d failed somehow.

Distorted thinking

When people said I needed to gain weight or that they could feel my ribs when they hugged me, I knew they were saying those things out of concern and didn’t intend to compliment me, but that’s how my ED brain interpreted their words.

I truly didn’t think there was anything wrong with me. Even when I thought my arms were becoming thin and scrawny, I wasn’t convinced I should gain weight; I just avoided sleeveless clothing. Now that I’m in a space of recovery, I can see my thinking was distorted, and I am grateful those days are behind me.

The second way compliments became kryptonite occurred when well-meaning people complimented weight restoration during ED recovery. This situation is a double-edged sword. Of course, weight restoration is an integral part of recovery, but for many people with EDs, gaining weight is a process fraught with fear, judgment and insecurity.

To be asked to do the one thing you’ve been fighting against is terrifying.

If someone says, “You look so healthy!” it’s difficult not to interpret that as, “You look fat” or “You’ve gained weight.”

The ED turns these compliments into kryptonite, repeating “You look fat” on a continuous loop because it wants to stay in control; it wants the power.

When I first began to restore weight, I went through a honeymoon period and was thrilled to hear that my weight had increased. My people-pleasing instincts were in high gear. I was determined to do this recovery thing perfectly and to please my treatment team by doing it “right.”

Looking back, I truly enjoyed that phase, as short-lived as it was, when I allowed myself to be adequately nourished. I compare it to my pregnancies, where I finally permitted myself to eat enough.

At one point in my treatment, I even used the analogy of growing a new me. Eventually, however, the honeymoon was over, and the fear set in—fear that I might never stop gaining weight and that all the people who loved me might not love me anymore. It is important to mention that neither of those things have happened.
A safe way to give a compliment
Through recovery, I have learned something unexpected about compliments: a well-meaning compliment can have many unintended, damaging effects. They can become harmful or weaken a person’s self-image or recovery from an ED. They can also strengthen an ED that nobody realises lurks in the shadows. I will never comment on anyone’s body size in any way because it is none of my business, and I don’t want to cause any harm.

Compliments can be tricky because they are opinions, and what are opinions but judgment calls? When those opinions veer into judgments about health or worth, the kryptonite begins to glow, and that is when it must be defeated.

Does this mean that I’ll never compliment anyone ever again? Of course not; a sincere compliment can still be a day-brightener.

Today, however, I strive to focus my compliments in other ways: remarking on someone’s smile, how a particular colour looks good on them, how hard they’ve worked on something, and how kind they are to others. Those compliments will extinguish the kryptonite and silence the ED once and for all.

* Kryptonite: something that can seriously weaken or harm a particular person or thing. (Oxford Languages https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/)

I am an author who writes fiction as a way to make sense of things for myself and hopefully, my readers. Exploring complex, often painful issues to find meaning and hope is central to my motivation as a writer.

I live in Minnesota with my husband, where the long, cold winters provide ample time to write. My novels include A Charmed Life, Ahead of Time and most recently, A Battle for Hope, a novel about eating disorders. These books are available through Amazon and Barnes and Noble in both digital and print form.

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