No turning back

No turning back

My thoughts are that life is simply ‘life’ and it is just made up of numerous events. You may not like an event, you may rant and rave about it, but if we ever took time to look at life’s past events, with the clarity of hindsight, most of what we considered bad or unfair at the time, has actually worked in our favour. – Rick, blog reader, Jan 3, 2012

The tides have their own rhythm and our life does too.

The insight (above) set me thinking. I delved into my laptop and clicked on an early, early draft of A Girl Called Tim. The chapter I clicked on was titled ‘No Turning Back’ and was a transcript of totally raw diary entries in 1986, when I was 35 years’ old:
January 1: The start of a new year and for me, new ways.  I will be strict with myself, being extremely careful about avoiding stress. No more will I push myself over the ‘enough’ limit. What doesn’t get done, doesn’t get done. By the end of this year I hope this approach will have succeeded in taking me over the threshold, in helping me get well, and perhaps even off all medication.
Start three weeks of holiday on Jan. 3…the six of us will have two weeks at Merimbula…

January 9: My life is transformed from today: I am embarking on a new eating program, the xxxx calorie and fibre diet plan, and I know this is just right for me — for healthy me. I weigh xxx, aim to be xxx for our 15th wedding anniversary! My allowance is xxxx calories, xxgm fibre daily.

Next day: This holiday is giving me the breather I need to alter my direction in life. I am hoping to ‘get normal’ this year so that I don’t need drugs any more. I shall be ever so careful not to take on ‘too much’ … the dividing line between enough and too much will be the feeling that to do that extra job will require food intake. That feeling will signal the job can wait.

January 15: Hurrah, I’ve made it — I’ve completed the first week of my diet and I don’t feel hungry — but I do feel very confident and determined that this really will be a most marvellous year for me — I’m going to ‘kick’ that stupid anorexia ….. out of my head for ever. And I’m going to have FUN!
January 19: Home. I’m really delighted with myself: have  lost xxlbs in 10 days! Will stay on xxxx cals a day until I weigh xxx, and I’m past half way mark.
January 29: Day 20. Went off diet yesterday, but back on track today. Have been to see Prof. B — he’ll let me ‘go on’ as is, for another four weeks. I’ll try to weigh less than xxx by then. I’ll try.
February 14: Another 37 deg. C. day — I am worn out and full of icecream and bread, watermelon and oranges, and all in all I wish this heat would go away. I don’t like it at all. I want the temp. to drop, and I want to get my role at work straightened out, and I want to know if I am doing my study or not and I want to know [my husband has arrived home —  hot and flustered and oh why does he keep working such stupid hours]. He doesn’t care and I think I will resign and complete my studies and work full-time after that — if I want to. I want 2 years to do my studies, write if I want to, have time to relax and ride my bike and be involved with the children and the community.
February 17: At last I’ve halted my slide; at last I am feeling positive, and at last the weather is cooler. Oh, I did have a bad weekend. Like a nightmare. Slowly shook it off at work today.
March 14: I didn’t go to sleep until after midnight last night — cried and cried in total despair — so locked in — have to work full-time, and yet, to get anywhere, I need my BA — need it, to get a position a man might get without a BA. And then I feel lost/unhappy at not ‘going out’; not having fun. I cried and cried. So despaired. George finally convinced me I must do my study and that I can manage it and work as well — so I arose feeling yuk, but brighter.
April 7: I’ve dropped /deferred my studies. My children are more important.
April 23: I saw Prof. B. Told him I’m still adding weight and feel fed up with myself — feel as if a cloud is sitting upon me — if only I could lift it off, life would become carefree, easy, light and springy. The opposite to my present feelings. The aggravating part is, I don’t know why I feel this way.
May 5: I’m proud of myself — have eaten nothing yet today and I weighed xxx this morn, so have lost xxlbs, still atrocious I know, but boy, I am determined to reach xxx this time, and no sidetracking along the way. My fourth day. I’m counting calories all the way: I have to do so — no chemistry in me to say ‘You’re full’ or ‘You’re empty’.
June 5: I am determined to keep going one way only; henceforth, and that’s forward. I am keeping a devout pledge with myself — I don’t think I could take another relapse without going totally to pieces and that is unthinkable. Prof. B can’t fathom me out. I am determined to show myself, and Prof., that I can be fathomed, that I can cure myself — with help…

Ah yes, fast forward 20 years to 2006 an indeed I did cure myself, with help. You can be free, too. And believe me, it’s magic.Hold on to hope and reach out for help.