Breaking free from thoughts that imprison us

A devoted mother shared today that her daughter is restricting her food intake because soon she is to become an inpatient in a renewed effort to put her well on to the road of recovery.

I understand the daughter’s thoughts because for many years I had the same thoughts my self. It’s all about a false sense of control, but when we are in the clutches of an eating disorder, it feels like that is all we have, to hang on to. It is very, very scary. Looking back now, some things I did seem funny but they were anything but funny at the time.

To give you a laugh: for many years, if a new guy asked me out on a date, I would put him off for a few weeks because my ED would be telling me I needed to lose weight first. I would come up with all sorts of excuses – my mother won’t let me out this week, or I have too much study to do this week or I have the ‘flu. When all I wanted to do was lose several lbs so I would feel worthy of going out with him. As if he cared!

Countless times I would cancel a date at the last minute because I had not restricted severely enough to appease my eating disorder. Isolating monster that it was.

Only this week I was catching up over lunch with an acquaintance I had not seen for 10 years and the fleeting thought ran through my mind – am I looking okay – am I heavier than 10 years ago – do I look like a muffin that has spilled out of its casing – and momentarily wondered if I should, indeed, cancel. Being ‘as recovered as I’ll ever be’, restricting was way off my radar, so cancelling appeared the only option. But hang on a minute. I recognised those thoughts for what they were – remnants of my eating disorder, which were  more dominant in my life a decade ago – and shoved them aside with a vengeance. I dressed up, went out and enjoyed lovely lunch and conversation … like a NORMAL person. It was me, not my appearance, that my friend wanted to visit.

Stuff you, ED!

But yes, memories of the illness driving, driving, driving, remain clear in my mind, even though I know I will never be within its grasp again. Besides relationships, the illness played havoc with clinicians. I used appointments like goal posts to reduce weight. The illness  fooled me – I thought I was in control – and the health professionals. For years. It took a switched on psychiatrist to see through that deception.  Thank goodness we have far more knowledge today. Parents can arm themselves with the best knowledge and go in and bat for their children when the illness is rampant.  Parents need the right to take over the wheel and steer recovery until their child recovers sufficiently to resume the driver’s seat herself. Because sadly the illness continues to dupe many clinicians and nursing staff. This is one issue to be considered for our Australian FEAST conference agenda. What issues do you want discussed? What questions do you want asked? I look forward to hearing from you.